Vocab Fail

Kid #1 had a birthday a few weeks ago. On her wish-list: a unicorn and toothpaste that doesn’t taste gross. Her birthday list isn’t even remotely relevant to this story. But it’s kind of awesome. So there it is.

Anyway, Kid #2 was a little jealous about the whole non-birthday thing, so Kid #1, being somewhat sweet in a passive-aggressive way, made him a card. It said:

I hope you have a good day on MY birthday.

BURN.

Kid #2 doesn’t yet appreciate the art of the taunt, so he cried.

Ah, birthdays.

So Kid #1 is gradually learning all these subtle nuances of communication. (Passive-aggressiveness: check)

Recently, she’s been all about playing tricks on people. And by people I mean me.

Except I don’t think she really gets it yet. Like she’ll say, “I already brushed my teeth,” and I’m like, “No you didn’t,” and she’s all, “Ha! Tricked you!”

Multiply this by a thousand times a day.

A few days ago she was playing upstairs, and she started yelling, “Ahh, help! I can’t move!” I sprinted up the stairs, coffee cup in hand, only to find her standing at the top of the staircase with a big grin on her face.

“Ha, I tricked you.”

So, because I was out of breath and there was coffee all over the staircase and not nearly enough caffeine in my bloodstream, I said, “That’s a lie, not a trick.”

And she said, “What‘s the difference?”

*silence* (you’d think as a writer I should probably know these things)

*more silence* (but I do not know these things)

Finally: “A trick is funny. That wasn’t funny.” (Yeah, I know that’s not right. I KNOW.)

And she said, “Well, it was to me.”

BURN.

Moral of the story: brush up on your vocabulary before your kid turns 5.